


Pathetique

by Saevet_ald



Category: Devilman (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asuka Ryo-centric, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pain, Regret, i just wanted them to be happy okay - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:07:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29544219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saevet_ald/pseuds/Saevet_ald
Summary: “Akira?” I frowned, slowly sitting and not taking my eyes off him even for a short second. “Akira, wake up.”He didn’t.--------I KNOW IT'S WRITTEN IN FIRST PERSON BUT GIVE IT A CHANCE, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING
Relationships: Asuka Ryo | Satan/Fudo Akira
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	Pathetique

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE CONTINUING
> 
> I know what the show is about. But I am still asking you one thing: please stay respectful about christian/catholic god in the comments. I am catholic, and while I understand that many of you have religious trauma, which is absolutely horrible, if there is any way I can help, tell me, but I still don't want my beliefs to be shamed for other people's bullshit. I appreciate all of your comments, but please, as long as you can stay respectful. I want my accounts on every platform to be a safe space for people of any faith, any gender, any religion or sexuality. Thank you! c: I hope you enjo

“Love’s not real, there’s no such thing,” I murmured with a slight shrug on my lips.

What an irony. Saying a sentence like that, laying next to the only person who ever caught your heart, watching the sky explode is truly something to laugh at.

“Therefore, there’s no sorrow… or that’s what I thought.” I paused, waiting for one of those remarks that never failed to surprise me. Nothing came. “Akira? Why am I the only one who’s speaking?”

I leaned over his body, studying his face: closed eyes, covered in blood - both mine, his, and probably many other creatures before us - slightly parted lips, tilted head, and lips frozen in a frown. He didn’t move for a second, and when I touched his strangely familiar skin, I noticed how cold and inhuman it was.

“Akira?” I frowned, slowly sitting and not taking my eyes off him even for a short second. “Akira, wake up.”

He didn’t.

His unmoving face stayed with the same, dead, expression I found him with.

“Please, Akira, say something, move, whatever, wake up,” I pleaded, ignoring the fact that it was the first moment in my entire life when I begged someone to do something.

But he ignored me.

He didn’t do a thing, and as I slowly started to notice the thought that’s been there for a long time, his dead face kept facing the sky.

“AKIRA!” I cried out, feeling my hands shiver as I touched his face, kneeling next to him. “Say something, anything, say you hate me, say how much you despise me, just say something, and STAY FOR FUCKS SAKE!”

Something streamed down my face and dropped on  _ his  _ cheek, and before I realized, I was crying, right there, on a rock I found him crying on ages ago, when I laughed at him then, I could feel fate laughing at me now.

But it didn’t matter, because Akira wasn’t answering me, gone. He slipped right through my hands, his soul escaped his body a long time ago, because of me, because I hurt him, because I did this to him. The only person who ever smiled at me, my only companion.

And as I screamed his name over and over again, feeling the pain that I never got to experience before, I heard the sky erupt over and over, but for some reason, it seemed so much less important than the boy in front of me, than the one and only person who used to hold me together.

“Akira…” one last time, I whispered his name and it felt like a prayer on my lips. I couldn’t scream anymore. “Stay with me… I love you, Akira Fudo, I will say this as many times as I need to if it makes you stay, so please, please, say something, wake up…”

I picked up his lifeless body, pressing our foreheads together in a weak attempt to stay closer to him, to ease the pain, to keep him with me.

_ This is the only thing I want _ , I realized. I want to be with him. I want him to smile at me, I want to smile with him. I want him, and everything that would go with him. If it means that we’re alone in the abyss, just as two, so be it. If it means slow mornings when we stroke each other's hair, so be it. If it means tears, screams, blood, laugh, so be it. I don’t care about the consequences as long as I get to see him with me for just a moment.

I love him.

Would he love me back if I realized that before hurting him so badly? Maybe I don’t deserve his affection, but it doesn’t matter. I mean it when I say I would do anything to keep him.

“𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕝𝕠𝕠𝕜 𝕤𝕒𝕕, ℝ𝕪𝕠,” a familiar voice whispered above me.

“Get away from me,” I hissed. “Don’t you dare touch him.”

“𝕎𝕙𝕪 𝕕𝕠 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕙𝕦𝕣𝕥 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕗?” They whispered again, and I shook my head but didn’t look back at them, pressing my love’s lifeless body to mine, knowing that it’s just an object now, that it’s not my Akira anymore.

“Get. Away. From. Us.” Every word was growled out, I wanted to put every bit of hatred I held against them. They took Akira away, yes, it was all their fault.

“𝕃𝕠𝕠𝕜 𝕒𝕥 𝕞𝕖, 𝕤𝕠𝕟,” their slow whisper appeared again, and with disgust, I looked up.

Brown, slightly golden eyes looked back at me with a soft something to them. The sharp smile I knew so well and longed for so badly struck me right on the spot, putting another spear in my heart. But it wasn’t Akira. At least not my Akira

“How dare you take his form.” I was shaking from anger. “How dare you use him against me.”

They sighed and smiled again. “𝕀𝕥 𝕞𝕒𝕜𝕖𝕤 𝕞𝕖 𝕤𝕒𝕕 𝕥𝕠 𝕕𝕠 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕒𝕘𝕒𝕚𝕟. 𝕐𝕠𝕦’𝕣𝕖 𝕞𝕖𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕥𝕠 𝕝𝕚𝕧𝕖, ℝ𝕪𝕠.”

“YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING, LEAVE, LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO!” My voice was cracking, maybe from tears, maybe from the fact that I was screaming his name for so long.

“𝕎𝕙𝕪 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕗𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘?” They kneeled in front of me and from up close I could see how much they weren’t my Akira, even though their skin looked the same.

My Akira had shining eyes and a bright smile that could fight the world with its strength. He was brave, he was raw emotion put out to fight the world, putting his own chaos wherever he went. Father - even in Akira’s form - was glowing, but it was a cold light, unfamiliar, calm, and reserved. His eyes weren’t shining, they were glowing. I hated it more and more with every second.

“I don’t need you.”

“𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕨𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕟𝕖𝕖𝕕 𝕞𝕖 𝕠𝕟𝕝𝕪 𝕚𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕥𝕠.”

“You know nothing about me.”

“𝕀 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕞𝕠𝕣𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕟 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕞𝕖 𝕥𝕠.”

“I hate you.”

“𝕀 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨.”

We looked at each other for a long moment that felt like an eternity. The sky above us was still exploding, but the only thing I could feel was hatred for the so-called god, and pain every time I looked at his face, knowing he’s gone forever, that there is no way for me to tell him I love him.

“What do you want from me?” I finally choked out. The tears didn’t stop for a second, and I felt weak. “You want to enjoy my pain? Laugh, I can’t stop you anymore!”

“𝕀𝕤 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖 𝕤𝕠𝕞𝕖𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕀 𝕔𝕒𝕟 𝕕𝕠 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕪𝕠𝕦?”They asked, tilting their head. 

Ridiculous question.

“We both know that there is only one thing you could do and it’s impossible.”

“𝕄𝕒𝕪𝕓𝕖, 𝕓𝕦𝕥 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕤𝕙𝕠𝕦𝕝𝕕 𝕤𝕒𝕪 𝕚𝕥 𝕒𝕟𝕪𝕨𝕒𝕪.”

“Bring him back,” I hissed, looking back at Akira. He looked exactly the same if not counting the fact that my tears washed away some of his blood. “Give me the chance to apologize, to tell him I love him.”

“𝕎𝕙𝕪?”

“WHY?!” Earth shook from the power of my question, but they didn’t even flinch. “Because he is the only being that shouldn’t have suffered, and he is also the one that suffered the most. He was the only one who would disregard his pain just to love, he was the only human who was absolutely and completely clean, and yet, I destroyed him. If you want to punish me, enjoy yourself while you’re at it, but save him.”

There was a long moment of silence.

“𝔸𝕟𝕕 𝕙𝕠𝕨 𝕨𝕠𝕦𝕝𝕕 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕝𝕚𝕜𝕖 𝕞𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕕𝕠 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥?” Their voice was calm and steady. So unfitting.

“I DON’T KNOW!” I howled again, overwhelmed by pain. “I just want him back! Ask any price you want, Make me suffer however you want, but BRING HIM BACK!”

I looked down at the body in my hands. He seemed so fragile, yet so heroic. I didn’t notice earlier how much light he gave me just by simply being around, by smiling and fighting for me, even when he couldn’t. I thought his tears were pathetic, but I know now that his tears were the most beautiful and clear thing in this screwed-up world. 

“Please, Akira, I need you…” I whispered, ignoring the being in front of me. It hurt too much to handle. “Don’t leave me alone…” I stopped, choking on my own tears, falling apart. I know that if he was here, he’d know what to say to keep me at peace. He always knew what to say. “I am begging you, say something, be somewhere…”

God just looked at me with their calm, disgusting gaze.

“𝕋𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕚𝕤𝕟’𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕗𝕚𝕣𝕤𝕥 𝕥𝕚𝕞𝕖 𝕨𝕖’𝕣𝕖 𝕞𝕖𝕖𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕝𝕚𝕜𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤, 𝕀 𝕨𝕒𝕤 𝕙𝕠𝕡𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕪𝕠𝕦’𝕕 𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕝𝕚𝕫𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥.”

“What?” I shifted my attention to them, tense. 

“𝔽𝕚𝕣𝕤𝕥 𝕥𝕚𝕞𝕖, 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕒𝕤𝕜𝕖𝕕 𝕞𝕖 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕤𝕒𝕞𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘. 𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕛𝕦𝕤𝕥 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕕 𝕙𝕚𝕞 𝕓𝕒𝕔𝕜.”

“No, it’s not possible…” I murmured, looking at Akira and then back at the being.

“𝔸𝕟𝕕 𝕓𝕖𝕔𝕒𝕦𝕤𝕖 𝕚𝕥 𝕞𝕒𝕕𝕖 𝕞𝕖 𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕪 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕝𝕕 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕒𝕘𝕒𝕚𝕟, 𝕀 𝕘𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣 𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕔𝕖.”

They paused, looking at the body in my arms, not at me.

“𝔸𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕟 𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣.”

“𝔸𝕟𝕕 𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣.”

“𝔸𝕟𝕕 𝕒𝕟𝕠𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣.”

“𝔸𝕟𝕕-”

“OKAY, I GET IT, STOP!” I screamed, realizing what it’s about.

We were closed in a time loop. This meant that unless this bastard decides so, I will be reliving my past life with Akira, seeing him grow, seeing his beautiful and kind bravery, and then destroy it with a smile on my face.

How many times have I killed him so far…?

“𝔻𝕠 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕥𝕠 𝕤𝕥𝕒𝕣𝕥 𝕠𝕧𝕖𝕣?” They tilted their head, looking back at me.

“Why are you even asking me this…? I have no choice about this anyway.”

They only sighed. “It’s always your choice. I will stop the loop when you get the ending you desire, son, but so far… you’ve always chosen to see him again. Do you want to try saving him again?”

Do I…?

Do I want to give out his fragile happiness for a bleak chance of love?

Was it selfish of me to want to see him again, even though I know that I will fail once again? Seeing him once more, alive and well seemed like a stupid dream, but if this had any chance of happening, my mind was screaming and longing for that chance. If it meant holding him at least once more, if it meant spending my time with him, if it meant laughter and tears, if it meant…

“Can I ask for one more thing?” I murmured, and even though I was sure they would deny my request, they smiled and nodded. “Please, give me all the tools I need to save him. I need him, father. He’s my world.”

It was probably the first time in eternity I’ve called them “father”. I didn’t care, though, if it was for Akira, it didn’t matter.

“𝔼𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕪 𝕥𝕠𝕠𝕝 𝕚𝕤 𝕚𝕟 𝕪𝕠𝕦, 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕚𝕗 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕝𝕠𝕠𝕜 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕚𝕥, 𝕪𝕠𝕦’𝕝𝕝 𝕗𝕚𝕟𝕕 𝕚𝕥. 𝕄𝕒𝕪𝕓𝕖 𝕟𝕠𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕥𝕚𝕞𝕖, 𝕓𝕦𝕥 𝕀 𝕨𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕥𝕨𝕠 𝕥𝕠 𝕗𝕚𝕟𝕕 𝕖𝕒𝕔𝕙 𝕠𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣.”

I nodded, slowly trying to control my tears. Akira’s body in my hands was already ice-cold, and it made my heart break to see him so broken, so massacred. It was my doing, though, and it’s my responsibility for destroying him. I love him. I love him so much it hurts to breathe whenever I think about him, and the death I could smell around was much heavier than usually. 

“Why are you so patient with me?” I whispered out. “You hate me, I hate you more - that’s how we work. Why do you want me to love so badly?”

“𝔹𝕖𝕔𝕒𝕦𝕤𝕖 𝕀 𝕟𝕖𝕧𝕖𝕣 𝕘𝕚𝕧𝕖 𝕦𝕡 𝕠𝕟 𝕞𝕪 𝕔𝕙𝕚𝕝𝕕𝕣𝕖𝕟,” they put their warm hand on my arm. “ℕ𝕠𝕨 𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕖, 𝕙𝕖’𝕤 𝕨𝕒𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕪𝕠𝕦.”

The world was slowly fading to light, and the last thing I could see was a familiar face resting in my hand.

***

A loud scream escaped my mouth as I lifted myself rapidly.

With adrenaline buzzing, I looked around. 

I was in my room, in white sheets, shaking and gripping my hair, trying to calm down a little bit. White walls looked back at me, quietly, and I fully saw that I wasn’t on that rock anymore, I wasn’t gripping Akira’s body, I wasn’t talking to them anymore.

Akira was alive.

That thought pushed me out of bed instantly, and I ran up to the door, even though my steps weren’t very confident. He should be here, he should be fine, everything should-

“Oi, Ryo, you okay?” As soon as I opened the door, I almost bumped into him. He was probably alarmed by my scream.

“Akira…” I could just breathe out, staring at him, amazed.

His worried gaze studied my face. Frowned eyebrows above worried eyes were so damn familiar and alive I wanted to jump on the roof and scream out from happiness. I have no idea how I managed to remember everything, but the fact that he wasn’t a corpse, that he ran to me, that he was okay filled me with ecstasy.

“Um… yes, that’s me, is everything alright? You look weird,” he narrowed his eyes, suspicious. “You’re overworking yourself, I think, maybe go back to sleep…? Or-”

“Shut up.” I interrupted him, waving my hand right before his eyes. He blinked, confused. “I’m fine. Seriously, I’m fine, I’ve never been better, I managed to fix something horrible, and… you have no idea how happy I am.”

I smiled at him, and his face went from suspicious to confused to even more suspicious.

“Okay, I think that's enough weird science shit for today. Whatever you’re on about, don’t take it anymore, and get some rest, hm?”

His worried tone made me burst out into laughter. “Of course you don’t remember.” I shook my head. “But it’s even better that way.”

“What are you-”

“I’m just glad you’re alive Akira.” Did my voice crack? I hope it didn’t.

“You’re definitely high, Ryo, and as much I’d like you to be clean while you say it- WH-”

I interrupted him by grabbing his shirt and pulling him to me, kissing him harshly. He froze there for a short moment, confused and lost in the moment for a second, but I didn’t care, as long as I could have this memory, even if he pushed me away right now, I would know he’s fine, I would show him how I feel before it’s too late. But Akira didn’t step away.

Instead, he also leaned to me, breathing sharply through his nose. Putting his hands on my cheeks, he eased his movements which were sharp and almost forceful at first, but then they became slower and softer, giving himself up to me.

And nothing ever before made me feel so secure and at place. A human in a demon shell, and a demon disguised as a human. We made a bizarre pair, but as long as he was safe, and he was with me, I didn’t care. I won’t make this mistake again. I will love him until the end of time and even longer.

“I hope you mean it, Ryo,” he whispered after pulling away. There was something sad in his voice. “And if you’re just playing with me, you have no idea how much it’ll hurt.”

“I’m not,” I whispered back, pressing our foreheads together, just like when I was holding his body then, but this time, he could grab my hand and squeeze it. “I will prove it as many times as you want me to, I mean it, and I’m sorry it took me so many tries to get it.”

He shrugged, closing his eyes. “I don’t think I will ever understand you. But that’s okay, I don’t have to.”

“You already understand me better than I understand myself.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are very appreciated :>


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